Shake &Shout

my dads girlfriend is a cunt licking mother fucker and i hate her! just FYI.

well, fuck a printer.

i have 9823745987 english homework assignments that are due wednesday.

my printer just decided to run out of ink.

i can’t get ink until tomorrow.

this is a huge setback because all of my assignments basically revolve around printing.

i hate going off track.

i have a list of things that need to be done in a specific order for a specific reason.

i can’t just skip around.

what the hell.

i wish i had magic powers to make ink appear… or some little high school student in dire need of 15 bucks… i’d pay people to write my biology research paper… you have no idea. &i’d pay people to write my remaining 16 journal entries. TAKE SOME STRESS OFF OF ME. i’m a complete bitch-and-a-fucking-half when i get work piled on me like this. 

if i weren’t on academic probation due to my Obsessive Compulsive and Over-thinking-things ways i would probably drop my english class. and my economics class. i’m just waiting for my teacher to spit on me with her damned lisp.

heart attack.

I feel like I’m about to have a heart attack.
I’m 100% overwhelmed with school and trying to do everything else everyone else wants me to do.
I’m sooo fed up with it all!
I need a break.
I need time for myself.
I need time away from school.
I need time away from people.
I hate school.
I hate people.
Both stress me out and make me feel this way.
I wish i were stranded on my own little island with a camera, a bottle of water, sunglasses, my favorite pair of boots, my money and a Britney Spears CD. 
That’s basically the only things i like. so… make it happen.
…Take me away from all of the things that make me angry and give me what makes me happy. 

hm.

I haven’t posted anything lately.

my life has been pretty … okay actually.

i quit my job… it was stressing me out too much… now i’m on the search for a new one.

i’m actually passing 3/4 classes this semester and that makes me SO happy… hopefully i can bring up my biology grade.

i’m happier now also because i’m hanging out with a few more friends than usual… like… well, i should say i’m hanging out with people more than i usually would… gah i’m confusing myself haha but you probably know what i mean. 

i’m excited to have a break from school next week… MARDI GRAS PARDI GRAS. time to loosen up a little and have some fun.

then after mardi gras, it’s study study study and job job job. lol.

i’ve got too many bills to pay to stay jobless for too long… i’ve got just enough money for almost 2 more months of bill paying but that would put me so far behind on all of my savings lol… i would have to start all over again and i wouldnt be able to buy the pretty things i need…

i feel like i kindof live an expensive life… but i’m too poor to fulfill my needs and wants… haha. but whatevs… i’ll survive… the goodwill is one of my favorite stores anyway. [=

I just want a normal life. that’s all that i’ve asked God for since i was 5. I’ve always noticed that my family was not like other families. my family fought more, looked different, acted different… everything. i’m not asking for anything perfect. just something more normal. i’ve grown up with burdens, depression, and feeling like i’ve always been a useless piece of shit. sure, i’ve considered suicide, but i’ve also realized that i’m much stronger than that. i’ve put up with it all my whole life. being belittled and torn apart by the people around me. being treated like dirt. there are only a very few people in this world that i trust and i honestly believe that they are the reason why i am here today. somedays, like today, i feel like i am the lonliest that i have ever been in my entire life. days when people gang up on me and flip things around to make it all seem like everything is my fault. i need an escape. not a dangerous and selfish one. just a healthy one. one that wont hurt anyone. one that will make me better. one that will get me away from everything negative that i have felt all my life. if you ever seen me smile, it’s a 95% chance that it was forced. if i’ve ever acted naive and rediculous to get attention, it was forced. It is all an act of mine to cover up these tears that are forever streaming down my face. no one listens. everyone pretends. no one takes me serious. but believe me when i day, i could honestly care less. i know i deserve better than all of this. i’m through with faking, i’m through with missing people, i’m through with letting everyone around me take advantage of me.. i just want to live and be happy for one day. ONE DAY! that is all i’m asking. it’s not much to ask for is it? i hope not. i just want a happily ever after like in the end of all story books. i just want to experience one day of pure bliss with the things and people that i love most. and the sad this is… the people that make me feel this way are some of the people that i love most… i just have a hard time actually making myself remember this. even after all of the cruel things that have been said and done to me… i still love you. I STILL FUCKING LOVE YOU! HOW SICK IS THAT? whatever though, i just wish that i had someone or something or anything that will listen to me. i want to live my life to its fullest but i have all of these thing weighing me down. if you read this, thank you so much. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. 

Chronicles.

Hm, it’s been quiet a few days since I last posted anything on here. I’m finally finished with college this semester. Now I just have to get advised so I can schedule my classes for the next semester. I really want to quit my job. I love the people there, but I’m just not happy with it anymore. I really want change and I want to experience more things than just working at a donut shop. This is my first job and I’ve been working here for over 4 months now. I’ll probably try to stick it out for my winter break and put in my 2 weeks notice. I’m just kindof scared to quit because I don’t want to hurt my boss’s feelings. I’m sure they would understand though… hopefully. Plus, I’m going to be going to school on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays next semester… so, I wouldnt be able to work on those days since I’m starting from 8 am until about 5 pm on those days.

Anyway, on other notes, everything between me and my special someone feels like it’s sucking between me and him. I’m not sure what is up… but, I wish he would tell me. 

Whatever though, I have a headache and I have a few things I have to get done tomorrow. Peace and Goodnight.